May 9, 2008
I drove to my local shopping centre on the weekend… and spent the obligatory half an hour looking for a car park…
While I was stalking my fellow consumers in the hopes that they were leaving… I noticed a clear run of car parks… right outside the front of the shopping centre!
I raced over… only to see that there were 12 designated handicapped car parks… all empty!
Now I respect the town planning laws that quarantine car park space for the handicapped… but have you EVER, EVER seen them full?
Perhaps it was simply a by-product of car park rage… but at the time… I was so frustrated… I could have kneecapped someone…
But in hindsight… that would only have served to reduce my argument…
So I continued to prowl the car park for departing patrons…
Finally I stalked a middle-aged, shoppingbag-laden lady to her shiny beige Toyota…
It was only once she had opened her trunk that she noticed that I had pulled up, with my indicator blinking, waiting for her to vacate her spot…
And from the instant she saw me waiting… she went into *deliberate* go-slow mode…
She started looking through her shopping… shifting things around in her trunk… and generally wasting time…
It happens all the time… once someone realises you are waiting… they deliberately and purposefully take their time to get in their car and leave…
So I thought I would do some research to see if anyone else had made this observation… and what do you know… there are numerous studies supporting my theory…
One particular study showed that drivers took on average 20% longer to vacate a car space if they know that someone is waiting…
Interestingly, it actually stems from territoriality… in that the person perceives “ownership” of the car space… and will not be dictated to in terms of when they should, or should not leave…
The delay is one last act of defiance…
Indeed if you honk your horn… the “owner” becomes even more possessive and territorial, and will take even longer to leave…
So here’s my take… when waiting for someone to leave a car park… you need to be stealthy in your approach…
Stick’s tips to successful car park stalking:
Do NOT give the departing driver any inkling of a suggestion that you are actually waiting.
Do NOT under any circumstances… make eye contact. If they happen to glance at you… push buttons on your mobile phone to create the illusion that you simply stopped to take a call.
Do NOT put on your indicators unless another car looks like usurping your rightful place in the queue…
Do NOT honk to hurry the other driver up…
Please note that the covert nature of the operation ceases once they have backed out of the car space.
It is your right, indeed your moral obligation, to flip them the bird once you have successfully secured the car space…
Or you can simply do what Lois does:
Alternatively, if this seems a little too complicated, you can simply ride a Vespa…
However, the best solution I can offer to finding a car park in busy shopping centres, and this one takes commitment to the cause is simply:
Get yourself a disability… with a little research, I’m confident you can locate a local thug who can make it happen for around $500… money well spent if it gets you nearer to the entrance…
And it means you can get around in one of those chairs with the wheels… (I forget what they’re called…). No more walking around the shops like a schmuck…
But then there’s the whole… living as a cripple thing… which… while it sounds fun… can have its down side…
So if this whole scenario is disheartening… I have the ultimate solution…
Screw going to the shops… every single one I have been to has been full of people… and people are assholes…
Solution: Online shopping…
Where else can you go shopping and scour for porn at the same time?
Okay… best you don’t answer that… I’m not sure I want to know…
PS PM me if you know 
Posted in
General Stick Takes |
What’s better than winning a Gold medal at the Paralympics?
Having two legs.
Comment by Jonny — July 6, 2008 @ 4:11 pm
I dunno… a Gold Medal would be pretty sweet…
Comment by Stick — July 8, 2008 @ 1:34 pm
You?ve got it in one. Couldn?t have put it btteer.
Comment by Jacki — May 21, 2011 @ 2:50 pm